My wife came into our marriage with her assertiveness button in the off position. Her inner voice was loud and clear, but her outer voice was mute. During the early years of our marriage, the time when you’re still learning to live with one another, she would remain silent as she sat by and let me make decisions she didn’t agree with.
I don’t know why this was. My belief is that as a middle child, she was the constant ball in a game of pong between her older sister and younger brother. Why speak up if someone else will?
As you may guess, this became a source of constant frustration for us. Me, being the ever dutiful husband, would take pains to get her to voice her opinion on decisions. She, the conflicted one sitting between being a “good” wife and a real person, would ever so slowly reveal her thoughts.
It took a few years, but when my wife allowed her inner voice to speak, it sounded like God and impacted me as such. No longer bound by her inner critic, she let it be known her thoughts and her decisions. Alas, what had I unleashed?
My wife’s coming out of her shell led to my discovery of another trait. Her stubbornness. There were hints of this, but I’d never seen it. It was elusive, popping up now and then, but it lay in the grass stalking me. When it started attacking I was flabbergasted.
Through the years her stubbornness has become refined. I’ve become more adept at spotting it, as well. When she becomes the mountain I try to flow around it. The funny thing is her stubbornness has made our marriage so much better.
There are two examples you should know about to illustrate this point:
Buying our House: We started out on the wrong side of the tracks financially in our marriage. We compounded not interest, but our financial problems by laying on the tracks and letting the train run over us. When we were finally in a position to buy our house it was a maddening process. My family never bought a home and her family owned their home by the time my wife came around. Neither of us had any experience in mortgages. I was so frustrated with the process that I wanted to give up. My wife kicked in her heels and wouldn’t let go of it. Because of her we live in a fantastic house in an idyllic town.
Our Medical Care: I’ll be the first to admit I don’t take the best care of myself. This was very true in my 20s and the beginning part of my 30s. My wife suffers from inherited issues, so she’s always been an active participant in medical care. True to her being, her stubbornness in dealing with insurance companies, doctors and hospitals has led us to lead healthier lives. When she sees a medical wall, she busts through it. She won’t let go of a problem, and it’s gotten to be I feel sorry for the insurance companies when she gets stubborn.
Alas, you thought this was going to be a negative, unflattering essay. I can’t blame you. Typically, stubbornness is associated with the less than positive traits of people. Yes, we do find ourselves in arguments concerning the stupidest of things because of it, but we wouldn’t have as rich and lively of a marriage without it.
So here’s to celebrating 20 years of my wife allowing her opinions and decisions to be heard!
Today’s Gift: The wife wins. The next time we find ourselves doing the dance of argument over a case of her stubbornness, she can claim this gift and put an end to it. Simple as that.